Pouring out my heart.

I am in a place I never thought I would be. In my hands I am holding the last document before submitting our LOI for Gracie Faith (Yes, we changed her name). We received some devastating news from a adult cardiologist about our baby girl. News that shook us to our core. I frantically called Children's Memorial hospital in Chicago asking (begging) for someone to read her report. The gal on the phone very nicely said to me "I don't think we can do this but I will ask". While on hold I was praying and waiting and I heard the message on the line "Children's memorial, the nations top hospital in cardiac advancements...A place of Hope for families". I started to cry...The ugly cry. Within a minute the gal came back on the line and said, her manager said to fax over what we have and she will hand deliver it to a doctor and someone would call me back. I could hardly believe my ears...Thank you LORD!!! A few hours later, she called me back asking if I had the CD of Gracie's ultrasound because the report is 1.5 years old. I said I didn't but I would request a new ultrasound from China but I was doubtful. I emailed Kelly at Lifeline and she immediately emailed Lily in China to see what she could do. Children's memorial did not feel comfortable diagnosing her within an updated ultrasound. Believe it or not, it gave me hope. Hope that the doctor wasn't too confident in an old report and maybe there was hope for our girl.

I am frozen in fear. CJ is more confident than I am at this point. I am on and off the fence within minutes Tears do not seem to stop dripping from my eyes.

I can't leave her there. I am afraid to bring her here, love her, mother her and then bury her. Where is my faith? Why is my heart so uncertain? We were committed to her on Sunday and then Monday we get bad news and I bail? Lord help me!

Ok, I know the minute I became a mother 18.5 years ago, God never promised me Trevor would out live me nor with my other three girls. But this time, we know she is ill and we might be walking into the fire of loving a gravely ill child and then possibly face her going home to Jesus. How selfish of me! As I sit where ever I am at the moment I am reminded of a little girl half way around the world living in squaller, probably not feeling very well, without a mama and daddy to love on her and care for her as she lives this life on earth. Alone.

We cannot leave her there.

Then my mind will wander to HOPE (darn I say it). What if the report is wrong? I mean, come on, it's a year and and half old and she's still living!!!! What if she comes here and the elite doctors at Children's memorial has options and treatment plans? Do I darn to hope?

We cannot leave her there.

No one is promised to live through tomorrow. I know this is fact! Why am I so afraid of this? The enemy is on high alert with me. I am feeling vulnerable and not at all like myself. The Lord is wrestling with my heart, HE is confirming many of my thoughts and helping me face my fears. I want Him to tell me what He has is store for this little girl but Faith in Him not come with a map or medical record. Faith is following without seeing.

WE cannot leave Gracie Faith in China. Please, please join us in prayer. We are awaiting more information from China but more than anything we are waiting on the Lord.

I will keep everyone posted. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart. <><