Just words...

Oh how I wish I could write some fabulous adoption news...But as it stands we are still in the waiting phase with USC!S. I can feel my love for Madelyn growing everyday and my faith and trust is still firm...But man, I wish I had approval papers in my hand! The Lord has revealed to me/us so many strengths I never thought I was built with, it amazes me how steadfast I've been...2 years ago with Linzhi's adoption...Not so much! I was a nervous Nelly about everything!

I truly feel once the decision has been made and we can then move forward with life, it just feels like constant limbo. I am only speaking about the adoption, not life with my other children, husband and family. However, at times during the day when I absolutely will not let fear or anxiety threaten the chance of taking away any special moment with regular life, I still let my mind go to Wuhan, China. I still allow myself to day dream about her and the day we'll (by the Grace of God) meet her. I picture her rosy cheeks and sweet smile with her piggy tails. I can see me holding her (if she'll let me) or walking hand and hand with CJ...I even go as far as walking her into her new school with Rachel one day. I go there because it makes me realize that God will make all of this happen IF it's His will for Madelyn and our family.

This blog is a great tool for me to get it out...All of it! I am struggling with refraining from sending her another care package or cake. My head tells me not to even entertain the thought because it may cause more disappointment if we do indeed get denied...But my heart, my Mama's heart wants to send her a little present just to let her know we still love her and want her. I will not do it because it would be too selfish of me but it's been over 8 weeks since we sent anything and I'm afraid she thinks we've lost interest or something...She could be feeling the exact opposite but I will never know. Steadfast...Steadfast...Steadfast...

I came across this verse during my bible study yesterday..

"We have this HOPE as an ANCHOR for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where JESUS, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."

Hebrews 6 19-20

Jesus is our anchor, he holds us steady every single day, good or bad, He is there holding us when we can't hold on anymore. I am not just stating this because of this hiccup with USC!S, I am talking about life period!

My poor cousin who is desperately trying every avenue to save her life, keeps getting bad news left and right. I have no idea how her life will unfold, I want to give her words of hope and encouragement but how can I ever know and pretend to know what she's feeling when she looks in the eyes of her 5 children. I am completely at a loss for words when it comes to her. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer over a year ago, there was an action plan... Surgery, Chemo, radiation, reconstruction...HOPE! Now, things are changing again for her and it's not the best news we've been on our knees praying for. I was talking to my mother the other day and told her while I pray and pray for Lindsay and healing, I quietly as God not to forget my Madelyn. I had guilt for continuing to pray for our adoption when Lindsay could very well be facing death to cancer. My mom said this " We all have our own crosses to carry and in fact, it's the cross and what it represents that can heal us and bless us, no matter the out come." I know God has not forgotten Madelyn or our request to be her parents and I know HE will heal Lindsay whether it's in His arms or here on earth in ours.

Then there's our new house! Yes, we're moving and I did have a post up about it but took it down because some weido guy left a very strange comment and it freaked me out. But yes, I have to plan and pack to move from our 2400 sq ft house to a 4200 sq ft. house! It is literally around the corner from our current home and we are so excited about more space!!! I never thought having a mudroom and finished basement would bring me so much joy!!! LOL!!! Not to mention all the extra bedrooms that I pray we fill with Chinese exchange students and more angels from China that we get to call our kids!!!! We'll see, right? I mean come on, we need to get this current adoption done! I'm telling you, mark my words (I pray)...Linzhi insists she has a brother "William" in China! I don't doubt her but God will have to pave the way again...So we shall see????

In closing, I want to thank my Lord, my salvation, my hero, my strength, my friend JESUS for giving me so many unimaginable blessings that has been given to me throughout my life thus far. I am not mad or questioning Him about this nightmare with USC!S. I am so thankful for His power over it all. I delight in knowing our God is bigger and greater than any government or anything that claims so much power...They don't stand a chance next to the creator! Can I get an AMEN on that!!! =)

Again, these are just words...Therapy, I guess...

Praise Jesus!

Ok, I am just jumping for JOY!!!! My cousin Lindsay met with her oncologist this afternoon and he words are this..."This is not a death sentence"....That statement is off the table!

There is a cancerous spot at the bottom of her spine that needs to be removed ASAP. What they will do is open her back up, biopsy it on the spot, then they will remove that part of her spine and replace it with a metal rod. Wanna hear the best part...NO CHEMO!!!!!!! She will only require radiation!!!

So now, we continue to pray for her appointment with the Neurologist. This is when they will discuss surgery date, etc... Her oncologist wants this done before Christmas.

When I spoke with her on the phone, I kept asking the same questions... "Does your doctor have hope?" Her answer... YES, Then I asked "Lindsay, do you have hope?" Her answer...YES!!! The relief in her voice was so apparent...Oh what a Great God we serve!

Yes, she's got an uphill battle but she also has HOPE. Thank you JESUS!!

Lord hear our prayers...

I am at a loss for words again. My precious cousin Lindsay is in the middle of a terrible storm. Her cancer is back. Our family heard the news this past weekend that her cancer has metathesized to her bones. I am begging God to heal her here on earth so she can be the mama to her five children that she loves so very much. I can't imagine what is going through her husbands mind? Her mind?

She is 31 years old. PLEASE GOD SPARE HER, PLEASE!!!!

The doctors say "not much time" BUT God is bigger than TIME and CANCER. I am praying for a Christmas miracle.

Will you join me?

Please keep praying!

It's not easy for me to ask for help but I have to tell you, all of your prayers are working!!! PLEASE keep praying for our sweet Madelyn and that God's purpose will be glorified. I can't wait to post the entire story from start to finish but it's not finished yet...We're persevering and hopeful...And I am so grateful to all of you for lifting us in your prayers!


2 weeks ago... I.SURRENDERED. I have never in my life completely let it go like this. My heart and mind are in the state of being steadfast and thankful.

USCI$ has been nothing but kind and generous to us the last few weeks, a far cry from what it was like in October. I can't explain and will not even try to explain why there's been a shift lately because it's all GOD and his glorious works. We are not approved yet but honestly, I feel HIM working for Madelyn and what's best for her. I pray, we're in His plan for her life. I pray, I'll be brushing her hair and getting her ready for school one day. I pray I'll be able to see her being loved on my her daddy. I pray I will see her playing Polly Pockets with her little sissy's. I pray I will see her big brother scoop her up for a big Trevor bear hug. I pray that I will be blessed one day to hear her call me mama. I pray for my Madelyn all the time. I pray that in her lifetime she will know the grace and love of Jesus.

Please keep praying...it's working!

2 year Gotcha Day!

Two years ago today, we were blessed with a bundle of Linzhi love! I remember that day so vividly...I can still feel the cold air hitting my face the day we left for the civil affairs office in Nanjing, China. It was so cold that day but the minute she was placed in my arms, I felt nothing but her. I remember holding her and the smell of her skin was so sweet and her breath had a hint of garlic because they had just taken her to lunch before she came to us. Oh my what a day! As I'm typing this, she is next to me playing with her toys, in her room, in her forever home safe and sound with her forever family. I thank God everyday for the sweet blessing of Linzhi Rose Xiao Li.

Happy birthday Rachel Catherine!

I love this picture of Rachel, it captures her personality perfectly! My sweet baby will turn six on Sunday the 15th. We have a weekend planned full of fun so I wanted to get a post up today.

Oh how I remember the day this precious baby entered our world. I wish I could go back and do it all over again...I would love to hold that tiny little baby again...Just once!!!

So in celebration of our little sweetie...Here's a 10 fun facts about Rachel Cate!

Rachel loves....

1. All animals, especially horses and dogs.
2. Hannah Montana, iCarly and Arthur.
3. Summer and swimming.
4. Trees and flowers and little bugs.
5. finding little treasures in the house, little tiny nothings but to Rachel it's a
treasure.
6. JEWELRY!!! All kinds all colors!
7. School and all her friends.
8. Writing letters and sounding out words.
9. Nail polish and make-up.
10. Jesus!



Happy birthday day baby girl!


PS. Thank you all for your sweet comments and emails regarding our current situation with USC!S. I can feel God's hands all over this as you all covered us in prayer!! KEEP IT UP!!! It's working! I feel we are etching away at this and it may be resolved soon! Love you all!!!

And the nightmare continues....

I've been bottling this up as best as I can. I have talked about this with a few people because I honestly do not have the strength for all of the questions that ultimately bring me to tears. CJ and I are currently in a continual nightmare with USCI$. A decision on our application was rendered then revised. As of yesterday, we were told by our lovely social worker who dropped the ball in the first place that more evidence is going to be needed on my behalf from my divorce that was finalized 12 years ago. Praise God my former spouse and his wife as agreed to whatever I need in order to get this situation resolved. I am not kidding when I say, we have jumped though many hoops to appease USCI$. But as of yesterday, we are losing hope in this situation. I promised God back in April that if we did indeed receive our PA from China that I would be patient, hopeful, trusting, etc... But I'm human and I'm not sure what direction this is going in...I am not angry, I am not asking "why us God" I am thankful for all the many blessings He has given us and I am thankful for the sacrifice that He gave for me. We whole heartily believe in God's will, we do not want to live outside of His will, We are keeping our eyes to Him always but let me tell you my friends, it is very, very hard to see a light at the end of this tunnel. All we think about is Madelyn and what's best for her and my heart aches because it may not include us. I am regretful that we sent her care packages. I am sick thinking she believes we are coming and at this moment I'm not sure it's going to happen.

We are so grateful for the number of people who have stepped up on our behalf. Matt at Senator Dick Durbin's office, my good friend Suzy that knows lots of people in the right places, Trevor's dad Chris and his wife Julie, Rod at church, CJ's former spouse, my friend Malissa, friends and family that have lifted us in prayer (please continue), my Mother-in-law and father-in-law, my mom and siblings, etc... Thank you!

I never imagined this major storm from USCI$. We were approved so quickly with Linzhi that this situation totally blind sided us. And I'm not saying I expected this adoption to be without a hiccup here or there but to the degree USCI$ is taking this, is beyond what we expected, they are treating us like criminals. And let me clarify, neither of us have a criminal, domestic, drug or alcohol, abusive, etc... background...NOTHING! USCI$ is hammering us on verbiage that is stated in both of our prior divorces. We have had ample statements from other government offices and supporting documents to clarify but it's not enough. So we have no idea what else to send in to clarify this common divorce verbiage. If we had a shady background, I would understand but that's not the case so it's even harder to understand. I am laying this all out because we need desperate prayers. I am looking at Madelyn's picture begging God for the honor of being her mother, CJ to be her father, our home to be her home, Rachel and Linzhi to be her sisters, Trevor to be her brother...But we have no guarantee we are seeking God's will which we believe it's God making the decision, not USCI$.

For the last 90 days, I have had many good and positive days and some dark and scary days. Today is a scary day. So on that note, I'm going to personalize one of my favorite scripture verses...

I will trust in the Lord with all of my heart and soul, I will not lean on my own understandings, In all of my ways I will acknowledge and thank HIM because I have faith and BELIEVE HE will make this path straight.

As this unfolds, I will keep you all posted. If you think of Madelyn and our family. Prayer is powerful, prayer is uplifting, prayer heals, prayer comforts, prayer is all we have.