Tuesday, December 13, 2011

When you get all twisted up with anxiety and junk...

I tend to lean on Jesus. 

Lately, there a some major things that are going to take place that are still in the "pending" folder and for me, someone that  had to be broken of being impatient (I still struggle some days)...Well, it's starting to get on my last nerve!!!  :)  *sigh*

First,  I want my baby bird in my nest, like NOW.  I want to nourish her little body with healthy cooking and lots of vitamins.  I want to snuggle with her (if she'll let me),  I want to brush her beautiful black hair and dress her in clean, warm clothes, I want to see her little hands holding a pencil doing school work with her sisters...  I can go on and on and on and on...  I just want my baby home!

There are a few "Other" pending items that need to finish up so my heart can rest a bit.  I feel the Holy Spirit in me, working on me, calming me down and probably wondering why I am getting myself all worked up when I KNOW, GOD is in total control of all the "pending" items in all of our folders.  We must wait, have faith and total trust at all times which can be very hard for us humans.  I am so grateful I can bring my heavy plate with all kinds of worries, anxieties and selfish requests to the one who will provide all that I need by His mighty hands.    GOD IS SO GRACIOUS.  I love him so.


Today, as the girls were working on their math lessons, I looked around at each one of them with tears in my eyes remembering how I longed and waited for each one to arrive (Trevor too).

Trevor was the easiest child to bring into our family.  Easy pregnancy, easy delivery (hurt a lot but over all good) and easy up bringing.  I am so proud of him!!  I was so in love with that child from the minute I looked at him. That was it, smitten for the rest of my life!   After a number of years, I was convinced I would only have one child and never thought about having any more....

Until I met CJ and then...

Rachel Catherine came next, 11 years later.  Oh my baby girl!  CJ and I went to get our first ultra sound on a Saturday afternoon and the next day (Mother's day), we were in the ER believing I was having a miscarriage.  Total shock!  We were sent home with instructions and what to do in the event our baby  went home to be with Jesus.  I spent my mornings and afternoons alone, praying and waiting, praying and waiting for a miracle.  When CJ came home, we were almost too scared to talk about it and every night as I went to sleep, I asked the Lord to spare my baby's life.  And He did.  Oh what a treasure that stinker is to us!  And she is a stinker, a lot like her mama.  One word to sum up Rachel is, Joy!

Linzhi Rose came 4 years after Rachel.  In fact, on Rachel's 4th birthday CJ and I were on a plane to Beijing.  I think I cried the entire way because I could barely leave my little girl on her birthday.  Luckily, Rachel had no idea as we celebrated a few days before.  -Anyway- Linzhi Rose was an angel from day one.  As we watched this tiny little China doll grieve for her life in the orphanage, my life changed.  I had to learn how to mother a child that was not born from my womb.  I had to "learn" her, because had her own way of living without me and didn't really need a mama. She just kind of did it on her own.  She LOVED CJ from the first Ni hao, but me...not so much.  She liked me and I loved her but it took us a little while to figure each other out.  Fast forward to now.  I look at her and cannot imagine my life without my little shadow.  She is always within a few steps from me, she loves to help with anything and tries so very hard at getting things just right. My angel baby with a servants heart.

Madelyn Grace,  Oh my, did we work hard to get this child out of the life of an orphan.  The enemy had a tight grip and was giving us a run for the money....Oh yeah.... he lost.   God's hands unlocked the chains around her neck and released her into freedom on July 19th, 2011.  19 months from the first time I saw her round, rosy cheeks.  When I walked into the office in Wuhan, China I felt complete victory!  As I was crumbling with tears of joy, Miss Madelyn walked right up to me and said "Ni Hao" and it felt like I was in a dream, it was SO surreal to see her face to face.  I just could not take my eyes off of her, she was so pretty and self confident but still a little vulnerable when our eyes met.  She would look away real fast and I would follow her lead.  I never wanted her to feel uncomfortable so I let her take the lead on how much space she needed and when I was allowed in.  On a funny note, now that she speaks fluent English, I asked her what she thought of us when she saw us walk in the door...  Here's her response...  Trevor, was tall and looked like a big brother.  Daddy, he looked nice and Mom, you had on a lot of make-up!!!  Oh that girl!  She's getting to the age where she's testing me a bit.  I know it's totally normal for a 10 year old to think they know it all...she takes after her brother for sure!

I'm sharing this not just to share it but to remind myself to STOP and remember the perfectness of His timing and the lessons and wisdom that comes from patience.  I must be obedient and remember His way is the only right way for our lives.  <><

So I choose to just lean on Jesus and I can feel His hand pulling me out of the murky black waters again...

Thank you JESUS CHRIST for saving me again from myself. 

I will humbly and patiently wait for you.  <><


lizzielou said...

God bless your sweet heart Amy, as you wait for your precious Gracie!

Janet and Kevin said...

We lean on Jesus too even when it is so very hard! Praying for you sweet friend.

Merry Christmas,
janet and gang