Sunday, November 27, 2011

My heart.

I have written this post in my head for the last three days and for some reason as I try and type it,  I have writers block.  So I'll try again.

If you know me or my family you know we're adopting for the third time from China.  I love China!  I really can't wait to be there again very soon with CJ and Rachel.  I can't wait to be among my daughters people, culture and history.  The adventurous side of me is ready to get our bags packed (I'm type A so I enjoy the lists and organization of packing...I know, I'm a nut).  I can't wait for take off and ascending into China for the third time.  But...

Then I stop and think about it a bit more.  This is not a vacation. This is another life changing journey for our family and a little six year old girl.

There have been days that I have been in prayer asking the Lord why He is sending me? I know CJ is right there with me and he can hardly contain his excitement but I am not there with him.  I am going to be real honest here.  I've had my moments of complete fear.  Fear I have never experienced. With my fear comes many tears. Every time I am physically alone with no little one, husband or son around me, I find myself almost childlike going to my Father in tears asking why are you sending me?  I am too afraid Lord!  I am too comfortable in my life.  We just went through this transition with Madelyn and now we are settled again and you're asking us to go again?  But then I think about the One calling us to be His hands and feet and through many tears and my GAZILLION fears, I answer.

Yes, my precious Lord.

We will go.

When Gracie drifted into my life, I knew I was looking at my daughter.  CJ very quickly agreed and we started all the necessary paperwork and excitement filled our home with Praise and we were humbled to be called again.  We had a little bio on her, she has CHD (congenital heart defect), she looked good and in the video we could hear a cough but we chalked it up to a cold or something...

Then we got the report back from the Drs. in the US and one in particular asked us if we were for sure she was still alive.  huh? what do you mean alive?  The second Dr. didn't say that but told us she has a serious heart problem and will require a lot of work and called her a "flight" risk. Huh? Flight risk? 

I stopped dead in my tracks and said NO Lord, not us, PLEASE not us. PLEASE! I CANNOT DO THIS.  I CANNOT BURY A CHILD. PLEASE! (Ye of little faith I was that day).

CJ came home and I told him very matter of fact what I had learned about her that day and I knew for sure CJ would back me and say no. This is too big for us.  I KNEW he would back me and agree. I just knew His heart.

I was wrong. 

My sweet husband told me very gently.

Amy, we can't leave her there. She has to come home with us.

Huh? Home with us? What? 

My response.

Um, ok... Yep, that's all I could intelligently come up with. Um!?!?

Do you ever feel like Peter when He saw the Lord walking on the water and even though he was terrified he stepped out of the boat and started to walk on the water to Jesus and then when he realized WHAT he was doing started to panic and began to drown. 

But then Jesus reached out and saved him. 

Do you ever feel super powered by worship and prayer and feel like you can do anything though Christ that strengthens you? (because we can)

But then when He calls you to do something that requires YOU to step out of the boat and onto the water of waves and storms to follow Him, do you ever lose that strength and begin to drown in fear?   

But then Jesus comes and reaches down into the black water and saves us. (over and over again).

That's where I've been for the last 6 months.  I keep stepping in and out of the boat. I get all pumped up talking about her with family and friends and I love getting things ready for her here at home but then the enemy comes and trips me and I fall into the black water drowning in fear.

It's been a constant battle and SO not like me at all!

Until last Saturday night at church during praise and worship.

We sang this song, I have no idea what the name is, I've heard it 100 times on the radio but I never paid that much attention to the lyrics.  It's goes like this...

Who YOU love, I'll love.
How YOU serve, I'll serve.
If this life I lose.
I will follow YOU.

And just like that, I felt the hand of Jesus pull me out of the black mucky water I was drowning in.

Just like that.

My baby is coming home and this mama has her spirit of excitement back and her strong will that was planted in me from the time I was conceived has returned and I am ready to go and serve Gracie in any way that she needs.

Will I stumble.

Yes.

Will the fear return.

Yes.

Will I cry when I leave three of my children behind to gather my little daughter from the East.

A lot.

Will I open my heart and soul to another treasure and LOVE her because He loves.

Of course, I will.

I also want to share our thoughts about Gracie's heart.  This little miracle has survived for 6 years on this earth with a "broken" heart with no repairs so far.  A pediatric cardiologists nurse told me our little girl is a walking Miracle and SOMETHING is keep her alive.  Well, as believers we know God is keeping her alive.  We also believe He will heal her. We're not sure how or if it's already done but we know He is in control.  We believe He will lead us to the right cardiologist and Trust Him to lead us as we travel this road.  It's hard to give up that control (for me).  I feel like I am now a cardiologist as I have read SO much on her condition...Haha... 

This is what I know for sure.  Gracie was fearfully and wonderfully made by the Hands of God.  As His servants CJ and I will rely on Him to guide us as to how to care for His treasure.  We are not in denial.  She will be healed.  Here on earth or Jesus will come to bring her home.  Our prayer is for her life to be a testimony for other families or children that suffer from her heart condition or whatever the Lords will is for her life. Our prayer is for our little flower to blossom in our arms for however long the Lord grants.  And to add, we feel this way about all of our blessings...Trevor, Madelyn, Rachel and Linzhi Rose.

Please pray for Gracie.  Her transition may be very hard as she has been with the same foster family for the last four years.  I know this will put strain on her little body.  Please ask the Lord to COVER her in His Grace. 

Pray for Lots of Grace for Gracie.

God bless.









7 comments:

Paige said...

Amy,
beautiful post!! We are waiting on our LOA for Janie (3 1/2) with a sn as well and I too was stricken for a while and so great now, amazing how God will do that. I think we are with the same agency (GWCA?) so maybe we will travel together??? Is the agency trying to fast track you all because of her need?? I sure hope so:)
Take care,
Paige

Dawn said...

Amy,
Thank you for sharing your heart...Remember, there is no better place for you to be then in HIS WILL for you right now. Looking in His face, seeing His hands held out to you as you walk on the sea on the waves... because at the end He holds you up and you are in His arms...Will be praying for Gracie...and you all.
blessings
Dawn

Sandy said...

Well, Cuz!!! Great heart story...I just read about Linny yesterday and now you today...I told a friend that it would be great to have such faith that you could just fall in to the arms of our Lord and do what He asks...For me, it is hard...I can pray for others and be confident that He will do above and beyond for those I pray for and yet, I don't do that for myself...Hm...very little faith here...
Thank you soooo much for this post...I am truly blessed to have you for a cousin-in-love....And I am praying for your trip to be sure.
Love you dearly,
Sandy

Jenna York said...

I love you. You are such a blessing to me Amy. Little Gracie is coming to a wonderful family. God is truly using you for his kingdom's sake.

Lori said...

so good when you come to the end of yourself and back to Jesus...why must we keep chasing our tails in fear? (sorry, been dog training) thanks for being my fierce loving friend...His strength is sufficient for both of us today and everyday after. love you peach;)

Janet and Kevin said...

Amy,

How I have felt that "fear" so many times. And I have felt the power of our Lord so many more times! Will be praying for you all and your precious Gracie.

Hugs friend,
janet and gang

Dorothy said...

I'm right there with you Amy! Not a day goes by that I don't ask the Lord....why me? I'll be 50 by the time we get our Darci home!

So many times over the past few months when I am having one of those bad days, the Lord will send the song "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson to me. Part of the lyrics are...."I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself...." Gets me every time!

Will be praying for you, your family and for Gracie!

Love Them Like Jesus,
Dorothy