Just words...

Oh how I wish I could write some fabulous adoption news...But as it stands we are still in the waiting phase with USC!S. I can feel my love for Madelyn growing everyday and my faith and trust is still firm...But man, I wish I had approval papers in my hand! The Lord has revealed to me/us so many strengths I never thought I was built with, it amazes me how steadfast I've been...2 years ago with Linzhi's adoption...Not so much! I was a nervous Nelly about everything!

I truly feel once the decision has been made and we can then move forward with life, it just feels like constant limbo. I am only speaking about the adoption, not life with my other children, husband and family. However, at times during the day when I absolutely will not let fear or anxiety threaten the chance of taking away any special moment with regular life, I still let my mind go to Wuhan, China. I still allow myself to day dream about her and the day we'll (by the Grace of God) meet her. I picture her rosy cheeks and sweet smile with her piggy tails. I can see me holding her (if she'll let me) or walking hand and hand with CJ...I even go as far as walking her into her new school with Rachel one day. I go there because it makes me realize that God will make all of this happen IF it's His will for Madelyn and our family.

This blog is a great tool for me to get it out...All of it! I am struggling with refraining from sending her another care package or cake. My head tells me not to even entertain the thought because it may cause more disappointment if we do indeed get denied...But my heart, my Mama's heart wants to send her a little present just to let her know we still love her and want her. I will not do it because it would be too selfish of me but it's been over 8 weeks since we sent anything and I'm afraid she thinks we've lost interest or something...She could be feeling the exact opposite but I will never know. Steadfast...Steadfast...Steadfast...

I came across this verse during my bible study yesterday..

"We have this HOPE as an ANCHOR for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where JESUS, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."

Hebrews 6 19-20

Jesus is our anchor, he holds us steady every single day, good or bad, He is there holding us when we can't hold on anymore. I am not just stating this because of this hiccup with USC!S, I am talking about life period!

My poor cousin who is desperately trying every avenue to save her life, keeps getting bad news left and right. I have no idea how her life will unfold, I want to give her words of hope and encouragement but how can I ever know and pretend to know what she's feeling when she looks in the eyes of her 5 children. I am completely at a loss for words when it comes to her. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer over a year ago, there was an action plan... Surgery, Chemo, radiation, reconstruction...HOPE! Now, things are changing again for her and it's not the best news we've been on our knees praying for. I was talking to my mother the other day and told her while I pray and pray for Lindsay and healing, I quietly as God not to forget my Madelyn. I had guilt for continuing to pray for our adoption when Lindsay could very well be facing death to cancer. My mom said this " We all have our own crosses to carry and in fact, it's the cross and what it represents that can heal us and bless us, no matter the out come." I know God has not forgotten Madelyn or our request to be her parents and I know HE will heal Lindsay whether it's in His arms or here on earth in ours.

Then there's our new house! Yes, we're moving and I did have a post up about it but took it down because some weido guy left a very strange comment and it freaked me out. But yes, I have to plan and pack to move from our 2400 sq ft house to a 4200 sq ft. house! It is literally around the corner from our current home and we are so excited about more space!!! I never thought having a mudroom and finished basement would bring me so much joy!!! LOL!!! Not to mention all the extra bedrooms that I pray we fill with Chinese exchange students and more angels from China that we get to call our kids!!!! We'll see, right? I mean come on, we need to get this current adoption done! I'm telling you, mark my words (I pray)...Linzhi insists she has a brother "William" in China! I don't doubt her but God will have to pave the way again...So we shall see????

In closing, I want to thank my Lord, my salvation, my hero, my strength, my friend JESUS for giving me so many unimaginable blessings that has been given to me throughout my life thus far. I am not mad or questioning Him about this nightmare with USC!S. I am so thankful for His power over it all. I delight in knowing our God is bigger and greater than any government or anything that claims so much power...They don't stand a chance next to the creator! Can I get an AMEN on that!!! =)

Again, these are just words...Therapy, I guess...